hello and how are you all doing? not that there's any followers yet lol but this is for you when you get here anyway ....
Now most of you who follow me on twitter, facebook or instagram may wonder where in the heckers have I been... Well, for the last couple of months i've spent most of my time housebound, creating and developing my Brand "Artist With Dharma" in a place where getting lost in my mind isn't always a bad thing.
The reasons I'm housebound is another story, which I will write up for you all in the near or distant future.. Mainly its medical complications with chronic pain that led to acquiring tramadol from a friend as I had 3 months of hell with my GP refusing to prescribe codeine. Then a long series of events led to me being struck off that surgery, and while still in pain I found myself back in substance misuse, it was the quickest way to get pain free and MIND-FREE! ... Then, the new GP refuses to issue anything with a risk of addiction. ESPECIALLY as i have "history".... But anyway, more about what makes me and everything I am and have been is what i should be writing here.
But.. let me continue to tell you a little more...Yes, I have used illicit substances in the past, but, as a form of creative petrol, and not to get the effects of the highest high and nod off in a warmful bliss of cotton clouds. to some degree I find the comfort I seek. But mostly to give me a still mind. I was late getting into harder drug use, alcohol has been there to some degree and smoking weed from a very early age with the in crowd and again when 13 years old because that's what everyone did, heck, even my parents smoked weed or hash, they dealt it from when I was a baby. I guess it was inevitable i would too!
oh anyway let me say more to you about the pain before i get lost on another train of thought. I often do this and only in 2016/2017 did me and my psychotherapist realise I have ADHD and potentially Autistic traits. That is another story for you to read in the future though.... maaann is my life crazy, just like my writing style..
So, anyway, let me go back to the medical issues and the pain I have that is constant. It's pain from the moment I wake until sleep. It's a mind numbing pain, it's constant, and it's so distracting during the daily time we have. Lifting a kettle to make a coffee, pushing a door. cooking or cleaning it is all painful..
With the health circumstances that I face, I'm still here, grinding away with one last push at success, all this pain i speak of all came about after a malicious poisoning on a commission for a bedroom mural, a job for someone supposed to be a "friend", a job that cost me big losses, way more than a loss of materials and money.
Yes I abused multiple substances, there is no shame, nor is there great pride in this, it's just the path I took and found substances beneficial to my artistic tendencies. I couldn't wait to get home from a night of taking ecstasy or amphetamine, to get home make a coffee and lie on my bed and draw minutely detailed pictures, landscapes mostly I was maybe 23/24 years old at the time. i had done ridiculous amounts of cocaine when 18-19 years old, club DJ's have the bestest of friends, and the best cocaine. My brother was doing ecstasy from 17-18 years old but after my cocaine binge days hard drugs weren't my thing. weed, alcohol was enough, especially during my degree years of study at Stockport College. Many years later after my brother introduced me to club drugs and I was dressed smooth, party all weekend and work the full week was life.
It was in my 30's that took a toll on my health, not eating well, pharmaceutical drugs or crack and heroin with alcohol and weed, that was where I was at, I cared about nothing and no-one. and in the end, I can tell you it wasn't bad, it wasn't great. No regrets, nothing to hide. And I still carried on, even after I had been in rehab and hospital for alcohol and drugs. Now then, going back to the art job I mentioned earlier, the pains I've had before were nothing on this, this moment in time, something didn't feel right, the pains I was getting when walking home just crippled me, I felt something was extremely wrong. Time passed for maybe 2-3 months of these pains in and out of hospital, my wife saying I'm crazy, 3 months on extreme doses of prescribed Codeine that eventually led to an operation, and there I was in a hospital bed, recovering from anaesthetic the surgery was done. It was only 45 minutes after surgery when a nurse dragged me out of bed when needed to pee, she forced me to walk, this action she did led to the way life is. I dropped as my knees buckled, I felt my muscles rupturing across my abdomen as the nurse hoisted me upright, all the muscles around the surgery entry points now burning,. I felt faint and dizzy, I was supposed to be back to normal after this simple gall bladder removal. But what that nurse did, I knew was never going to be fixed. You see, I had a dream many years ago and everything in that dream happened before the operation day. It's quite amusing when I told the head nurse what was going to proceed in the next 24 hours on our ward, and what would happen to me. 2200 hrs was roughly the time that I spoke with her, 0800 hrs the next morning she came to me white as a ghost saying I should play the lottery. 3 days later she came back, what I told her really freaked her out and she needed time off. I've had many dreams like this that come true, no not like deja-vu. Actual real dreams from many years before, that actually happen in real life.
I forget the year that was the Queens Annus Horribilis, but 2021 was mine. Losing my father in the early days of covid really messed with my mind. Not being able to do all my usual outdoor activities led me into a downhill spiral. Losing my wife was inevitable anyway, for a long time something was strange with her behaviour even before that dreadful art job, so that's where I've been, and that is all the why's to where I am at.. Some folk think it doesn't matter what's in the background.. well I do. Here, in these blogs, this is where you will find the real truth, you will read the inner thoughts and all the actions I take. One thing for sure it is always the truth. That's ADHD, that is my nature, and one of the positives of being Autistic.Truthful and transparent.
So here in black and white, I write it down that there's not much in life that i used to do anymore, no extreme activities, no parties, no drugs, no alcohol, just being pain free. There is nothing left but to keep me happy and mostly be productive. What does make me happy is to create artworks by any means necessary each day, no matter how much pain I am in. Just paint!
There is also one other thing and that is this, I must share my learning to the world, whether it's The Dharma or sharing my learnings in Art. So life at this very moment, I do enjoy, and looking back I've the positive way certain substances affected me and my productivity.
So if you read this far and are reading this last bit, I'm pleased to announce there's something big coming for you all to watch out for, I am back in an Art Studio at Awol Hope Mill. New paintings are finished for 2022 and coming soon I will also have some special competitions or give-aways, it's here in this blog you can read the deep things I've been through and the gritty tales of my experiences, then you can find me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram or Tik-Tok, more or less on most of the social media platforms is where you will find the past and present artistic creations and links to NFT's.
Thank you for taking the time to read all this, thanks for your support, and maybe one day i can thank you personally after you buy a piece of my art.
PS: My writing tends to be here and there, the grammar needs touching up, but when I'm in full flow I just write so bear with me on that as i come back to correct and change things. Please feel free to point out anything that you found difficult to read so i can make necessary changes. ( I refuse to use grammarly as thats not the real me )
